Amanda: Hello Farm2Souls family, we're back. We're gonna talk some more today about feeling our feelings.
Vikki: Wooooh…
Amanda: Wooooh,it's a big one.
Vikki: Most everything is a big one.
Amanda: I know, we'd like to tell ourselves that. Now, feel your feelings. So we talked a little bit last time about the healing journey and what that looks like. A whole layer of that, I think, is being able to feel your feelings. I've struggled with so this will be an interesting conversation today. I'm looking forward to it. Welcome Vikki.
Vikki: Thank you It's it's yeah…Where are we taught to feel our feelings like we're in? Recovery, you know, it's like fill your feelings, but don't drown in them. It's like Alright. Well, where do you learn to do that shit at like who teaches you? What is a healthy way to feel your feelings because…
Amanda: I didn't take that class in school…What are we gonna do?
Vikki: I know, right? So it's a skill that you learn through practice because I just believe that however you process your feelings is usually based on whatever was modeled for you, for my people, me. The first part of my life, it was all about stuffing feelings. That was where addiction got its fuel, was from not dealing with feelings and just...stuffing them.
Amanda: By drinking or drugging or whatever, whatever the choice is, right?
Vikki: Yes, and that (drinking and drugging) was my choice. And then also more culturally acceptable things like accomplishments, you know, attention, anything that focused on the external so I didn't have to feel. Or the pendulum would swing because the little bit of time I spent around my father, what was modeled was just explosive behavior. And so the pendulum would swing from not feeling feelings at all to taking everybody out with every feeling I had. And so it was a very long process and it's not something you master, you cross it off the list and you move on. It's like, no, you have to, this is a lifelong journey of really acknowledging and honoring and feeling your feelings, but...not drowning in them.
Amanda: So I know for some people, and we've seen this with some of the course offerings that we've done, is that people are very hesitant. For some people, feeling their feelings can be extremely scary because it takes them back or it reminds them. Just feeling for some people is scary. So what do you say to those people?
02:52
Vikki: Yeah, I can tell you feeling feelings for me was scary because it felt like I was out of control. And one of the things that I had the illusion of being in control. And so again, it was all a big lie. The last thing you know, I had was any kind of framework that was healthy around my life. But feeling our feelings is not a state of being out of control. It may be for some people, and there may be times when we do that. But for me, what I continue to learn, and Pat, my therapist and mentor, keeps helping me see is how can I feel my feelings as they move through me without drowning in them? But if I don't feel my feelings, they don't go away. We have again this false belief that if we don't feel it, it just evaporates or goes somewhere. And it doesn't, it's energy, it's all energy. And when we have feelings that we don't allow to move through us, for me, it starts becoming pent up energy that I'm trying to keep a lid on. And it takes a lot of energy to keep the lid on it.
Amanda: You ain't kidding sister.
Vikki: Which also takes away from the energy of you living life because you're trying so hard to keep a lid on it.
Amanda: Keep the lid on it. Somebody said to me once, if you're not feeling your feelings, where do you think they go? And I really had to stop because I know where they go with me. They go to my lower back, they go to my heart, now it's that heaviness, anxiety starts to come into play. So moving through those, as you feel them, can you tell us what that looks like Vikki? Cause I know you have an example.
Vikki: Well, possibly…
Amanda: …if you don't, you don't. Cause I mean for some people they won't understand it. Like moving through your feeling. What does, what does that mean?
Vikki: So first, okay. So what does it look like? It looks different for different people. I will tell you what it looks like for me. I am a big, big spirit. I have big feelings. I always, I am a big girl. I have learned that that is not a curse, but a gift. The bigness of all that I am. Which also means I have really big feelings a lot of the time. And I had to learn the skill of what it looks like to feel something and give it the space and the grace, compassion that it needed to move through me without immediately going outward or immediately going to my mind, which takes me to extremes. All or nothing…and my mind would say, “it's always like this.” “You've never blah, blah, blah.” It's, you know, it's those big words, extremes, “always”, “never”, you know. And so if I go to my mind, I lose myself in a mind story rather than actually allowing myself to feel the feeling. So if it's anger, if it's sadness, if it's deep grief, if it's loneliness. For me, it's really creating space and getting curious. Almost like offering the feeling a chair to come sit down. I know that sounds weird, but it's almost like, “I see you're here. Come sit down. What are you here to teach me? What are you here to show me? What do you need? What are you pointing to?” And again, that's like, in that in your mind, it's like, “yes”, but then just sitting and being with the feeling and knowing that it will move through. It's going to move through, but not getting lost and making up stories of whatever the feeling is kicking up, but just really let the feeling move through us. And it's not just the painful feelings. It's the good feelings. It's connection, it's intimacy, it's joy.
Amanda: Yeah. You automatically think, Oh, it's just going to be these uncomfortable feelings. But I think when you stop and allow even the joy and the happiness and the excitement to move through you, when you stop and connect with yourself and feel it, allow you to stop long enough to enjoy it. Cause a lot of times we just kind of, “Oh, there it is. And then there it went.”
Vikki: Yeah. Yeah. Brene Brown says like when you numb out, you don't just numb the hard feelings, you numb out the good feelings, the joyful feelings too. So checking out or not feeling or numbing, whatever your words are, they actually steal life from us. And so the whole point of feeling our feelings, I think for me, is to open up a depth within me that not feeling my feelings cuts off. Again it's, I talk a lot at the farm about clean links.
Amanda: Yes.
Vikki: And again, a lot of my old school stuff came from Wayne Dyer in the 80s. I talk about it all the time. But one of the things he said one time is, “we're all connected.” And at the time he was talking about to God, this was later on in his journey, but he was talking about “we're all connected to each other and God, the question isn't are you connected? The question is how corroded are your links?” And that’s what he was explaining and I just love that. So my friend gave me some wooden links that are about five or six feet long that we have hanging in the barn. It's just that reminder of we're all connected. The question is how corroded are your links? And that to me has to do with feeling your feelings because not feeling your feelings actually corrodes your links and dulls the connection with you, life, and others, God, with everything, yourself. And so feeling your feelings is one of the cleanest ways we can actually clear out the connections in our links.
09:50
Amanda: I remember you talked about this at a signpost gathering at the farm and you were talking about the clean links and what I, I think we were talking about, you know, if you asked your husband to do something and he, and he didn't do it or, you know, you're frustrated and you know, this keeps going on and you've asked him, you know, several times. And so the more that your frustration starts to mount though, that's what's corroding those links. Like if you just feel the frustration and be honest with it, then you don't, I feel like you hold other people hostage by not having those clean links, right? Is that how it was explained? I'm trying to remember the story, but it was-
Vikki: No, you're doing great. One of the things, again, Brene Brown says is, “I can choose discomfort over resentment.” And so again, this goes in alignment. These are other tools with feeling your feelings. Because it is hard to feel our feelings and then be honest about what is there and then actually take the next step, which is sharing it with the other.
Amanda: Right. Getting it off your chest.
Vikki: Yes. And so with that, what, what my understanding of what Brene was basically saying is when you don't feel your feelings and actually communicate that in a healthy way, no matter how discomforting it is or how difficult it is, you're going to hurt the relationship every single time. And so even though it's uncomfortable, I'm going to choose being uncomfortable because I care about the relationship. And so that's kind of what I think we were talking about, you know, is feeling our feelings. Because I think when we don't feel our feelings for me, let me just say this about my journey. When I don't feel my feelings, the biggest disconnection that I feel immediately is with God and myself. I start feeling cut off from God as I understand God, and I start feeling cut off from myself. And that's dangerous for me. That's dangerous for me because then I go into those places of pretending and playing roles and being who other people need me to be. And that is nothing but completely heartbreaking for me.
12:19
Amanda: Now that makes sense. What would your recommendation be for somebody who maybe doesn't have those clean links that wants to get rid of the corrosion? Is it just a matter of going back? I mean, I feel like sometimes so much is built up. Like where do you even start to de-corrode those links?
Vikki: That's a great question. Again, it's always, you just start where you are. You know, there is in...I would say in this place, going back as later down the line, that if you are disconnected from the deepest part of who you are, then I would offer to create awareness and energy and focus around reconnecting with your heart, reconnecting with what's in your heart, the things you love. I always say when you let yourself love what you love, that's actually the greatest way you can love God. That's the greatest way you can love others.
Amanda: Because that's what’s deep in your soul to come out, right?
Vikki: That's what you were created for is to bring what's inside of you out. But a lot of times we don't even know how to go on that journey of going inward. And then we're afraid to really look and honestly see what is there. And I just I just always want to remind everybody, “what is there was specially picked just for you that only you can bring forth.” If you don't connect with your heart and share that, the world misses out. So you connecting with your heart and you actually sharing what you can in the only way you can is the greatest offering back to the creator, to life, to the world, to your relationships. But a lot of us were taught that that is selfish. And so we deny and cut off that access to what we really came here to do.
Amanda: So in the healing process, we cut off pieces of ourself, right? As we move through life based on experiences. And I've heard you say this, that...when you do go back and you're not saying to go maybe go back if you're not ready to go back but if you do go back and you start feeling some of the feelings along the way in those places where you cut yourself off you can actually reclaim those pieces. Can you talk more about that?
Vikki: Yeah, I think, you know, I so long to be adored and seen when I was younger and even now but we all do. We all do. That's what we're created for…but I would do anything to feel loved and seen. And so I learned early on certain things that were just natural to me didn't get the attention that I wanted. So subconsciously I just thought I'm gonna cut these pieces off of myself because they're not lovable. And I didn't even realize as I went through life in my younger years whatever wasn't attractive or loved, I would cut off. And it's like I whittled myself away. I whittled myself away. And so this healing process that I've been on for some time now and continue on, one of the things that Pat and I first did is, “no, you need to go back, Vikki”... was what she said. And I was like, “oh…mother...
Amanda: Don't make me…
Vikki: Who wants to go back. It's like, “Oh God”...that was a long time ago…and at that time I'd had 23 therapists. And I said to her, if I have to tell my story one more time, I would rather die than tell my story one more time. And she said, “Oh, I'm not offering you to tell your story one more time. This is a completely different journey Vik…this journey that I'm offering you is let's go back and look at all those pieces you cut off and let's go reclaim this. Let's bring those back into…let's honor those places…let's honor those pieces. Let's go get that shit so we can actually reattach that stuff so you can reclaim the wholeness of who you've always been.”
Amanda: I love Pat.
Vikki: Everybody loves Pat.
Amanda: We love you, Pat. Pat is very wise and in turn, Vikki, you are very wise. I think that feel your feelings is a scary topic for a lot of people, but somehow you make it unscary. I think the adventure of going back and reclaiming those pieces is enough for me to want to go back and feel.
17:24
Vikki: Yeah, it's a beautiful journey. It really, it's the lens through which you choose to see the lens through which you choose to look through. If you choose to see it's hard, it's painful, it's not worth it. Then that's what you're going to say. But if there's something aching in your soul, if there's something missing that, you know, when you get still, you can feel something's missing, it can be an incredible adventure with other kindred souls to go back on a journey and reclaim those pieces that you so willingly tossed aside for other people. It's a beautiful beautiful journey.
Amanda: I love it. Well, Vikki were gonna end it here today…but as always love coming out to The Farm and having awesome conversations with you. If you want to learn more about Farm2Souls, you can find us at farm2souls.com or you can find us on social on Facebook and Instagram.
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